Don’t be an Ass at the Grocery Store

Since I seem to be using this blog primarily as a way to vent my frustration with little everyday annoyances, here’s one more.

Image by bluedaisy, from www.sxc.hu

Unless you’re super-rich and have your own personal grocery shopper (if you are, don’t read my blog – I hate you), we all have to go to the supermarket/natural food store/grocery/whatever. Sometimes it is crowded, sometimes you’re in a hurry… there are many variables that might put you in a less-than-pleasant mood. But that’s no reason to be an ass.

“What?!” you may say, “I’m a wonderful human being and the sun not only shines out of my pooper, it actually revolves around me! How could anyone take issue with my grocery store behavior?”

Toilet Etiquette

I know, I know. Do adults really need advice on toilet etiquette? In my experience, yes. Plus, it is kinda funny. If you personally don’t need this, just skip reading it, or forward it to someone you know who does.

1. The seat, up or down? Usually down, but when in doubt, leave it as you found it.
2. Hands. Always, always, always wash your hands. There is no excuse for not washing your hands. No towel? Wipe your hands on your pants. No soap? Warm water is better than nothing. No water? Make sure the toilet flushed.
3. What’s your number? Generally speaking, try to avoid dropping a bomb at someone else’s house. If you absolutely cannot make your bowels wait, poo considerately. Turn on the fan or open a window. Use a little air freshener. And by all means, if you’re known for the, er, size of your deposits, engage in a little preemptive flushing midway through. It may be embarrassing to be heard to flush twice, but it is mortifying to be heard using the plunger.

Reading list for Informed Citizen 101

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on politics. Yes, some of that reading is about the candidates in the upcoming election (my local elections — my presidential vote was decided long ago). But what interests me most is material on the whole underlying structure of American politics, the underpinnings of our democracy.

These are things I (presumably) studied in high school history and government classes. I was so bored out of my mind, though, that I didn’t retain any of it. The material was sooo dry, and ancient, and I didn’t see how it applied to me, so I didn’t pay attention past the point of passing the tests. I didn’t realize that things like civil rights, freedoms of speech and press, right to due process, checks and balances, etc., were relevant even today. Not only that, but they’re not sure things. These freedoms can be taken away from us, but only if we allow them to be. And by being complacent, uninvolved, and ignorant, we’re basically saying, “Here! Take these freedoms, I’m not using them!”

In the early days of our country’s history, everyone was involved in political discourse. Farmers debated issues, shopkeepers wrote and distributed essays, because they realized that if we give our leaders power and then leave them alone, unobserved, that power will corrupt. These days most people just vote a straight-party ticket (if they even vote) and go about their daily business without really knowing where the candidates stand on issues that will affect our lives far into the future. Overall, we are an ignorant poplulace.

But we don’t have to remain ignorant. In this spirit, I’ve been compiling a mental list of required/strongly suggested reading for anyone who wants to understand where our freedoms come from, and what could happen to them. I’m not a political expert, and I haven’t read or even heard of every book on the topic. These are my suggestions of books I’ve read recently, books I need to read again, and books I plan to read as soon as I get can them from the library. I’ve taken the synopses/reviews straight from the retail websites (just follow the link).  Please leave your own suggestions in the comments!

Read these books

• Selected Federalist Papers : Brilliant essays comprising a masterful exposition and defense of the proposed federal system of government and of the Constitution’s carefully architected system of checks and balances. This volume contains 35 of the most famous pieces — concerning impeachment, dangers from foreign arms and influence, the need for a power of taxation, freedom of the press and much more.
• The Declaration of Independence (and others): Thirteen compelling and influential documents: Patrick Henry’s “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death,” Declaration of Independence, The Constitution of the United States, James Madison’s The Federalist, George Washington’s First Inaugural Address, The Monroe Doctrine, Lincoln’s First Inaugural Address, The Emancipation Proclamation, Gettysburg Address, and more.
• The End of America: A Letter of Warning to a Young Patriot: This latest offering from best-selling author Wolf, The Beauty Myth, is a harbinger of an age that may finally see the patriarchal realm of political discourse usurped. Here is Wolf’s compellingly and cogently argued political argument for civil rights, not women’s rights. She contributes this call to action to a canon that from Plato and Aristotle to Hobbes and Locke and forward, with a few exceptions (e.g., Hannah Arendt), has been largely populated by men. Wolf’s work is actually closer to the agitated, passionate polemics of Emma Goldman than the ponderous, philosophical musings of Arendt. Readers will appreciate her energy and urgency as she warns we are living through a dangerous “fascist shift” brought about by the Bush administration. Her chapters outline the “Ten Steps to Fascism” citing historical corollaries (as well as the pigs in Orwell’s Animal Farm), with headings like “Invoke an External and Internal Threat,” “Establish Secret Prisons,” and “Target Key Individuals.” In other words, fascism can exist without dictatorship. Her book’s publication through a small press in Vermont that is committed to “the politics and practice of sustainable living” rather than through a large trade house is itself a political act. Highly recommended for all collections. -Theresa Kintz, Wilkes Univ., Wilkes-Barre, PA
• Give Me Liberty: A Handbook for American Revolutionaries: As the practice of democracy becomes a lost art, Americans are increasingly desperate for a restored nation. Many have a general sense that the “system” is in disorder — if not on the road to functional collapse. But though it is easy to identify our political problems, the solutions are not always as clear. In Give Me Liberty: A Handbook for American Revolutionaries, bestselling author Naomi Wolf illustrates the breathtaking changes that can take place when ordinary citizens engage in the democratic system the way the founders intended and tells how to use that system, right now, to change your life, your community, and ultimately, the nation.
• Animal Farm: Anti-utopian satire by George Orwell, published in 1945. One of Orwell’s finest works, it is a political fable based on the events of Russia’s Bolshevik revolution and the betrayal of the cause by Joseph Stalin. The book concerns a group of barnyard animals who overthrow and chase off their exploitative human masters and set up an egalitarian society of their own. Eventually the animals’ intelligent and power-loving leaders, the pigs, subvert the revolution and form a dictatorship even more oppressive and heartless than that of their former human masters. — The Merriam-Webster Encyclopedia of Literature
• 1984: Thought Police. Big Brother. Orwellian. These words have entered our vocabulary because of George Orwell’s classic dystopian novel, 1984. The story of one man’s nightmare odyssey as he pursues a forbidden love affair through a world ruled by warring states and a power structure that controls not only information but also individual thought and memory, 1984 is a prophetic, haunting tale. More relevant than ever before, 1984 exposes the worst crimes imaginable-the destruction of truth, freedom, and individuality.
• A People’s History of the United States: 1492 to Present :Consistently lauded for its lively, readable prose, this revised and updated edition of A People’s History of the United States turns traditional textbook history on its head. Howard Zinn infuses the often-submerged voices of blacks, women, American Indians, war resisters, and poor laborers of all nationalities into this thorough narrative that spans American history from Christopher Columbus’s arrival to an afterword on the Clinton presidency. If your last experience of American history was brought to you by junior high school textbooks–or even if you’re a specialist–get ready for the other side of stories you may not even have heard. With its vivid descriptions of rarely noted events, A People’s History of the United States is required reading for anyone who wants to take a fresh look at the rich, rocky history of America.

I’ll be adding more as I come across them.

I’m OK. You’re OK. But not as OK as me.

Due to the number of people I interact with on a day-to-day basis, the following topic has been on my mind very frequently: I don’t like most people.

Now, before you get all riled up about what a sad and lonely person I must be, let me set the record straight: I have many good friends, people I care about and enjoy spending time with, and who I think feel the same way about me. My social calendar is just fine, and my life is not devoid of love or meaning.

That being said, I don’t really like most people I come into contact with each day. I don’t dislike them, but I don’t particularly like them, either. I can’t imagine hanging out with them, or wanting to be their friend on Facebook, or really even sustaining a mildly interesting conversation with them. I honestly would rather avoid them altogether. Maybe I have prudent and discriminating taste in friends. Or maybe I’m an ass.

A few days ago, though, I had an epiphany. There must be people who feel the same way about me! “WHAT!?!,” I thought to myself, “How could anyone not like me?”

It is true, though. I probably interact with several people each day who don’t really care for me. Not because I’m a bad person (I’m not), or because I stink (I have excellent hygiene, thank you), or because I’m obnoxiously loud (I’m actually rather soft-spoken). It’s just because we have wildly dissimilar interests, beliefs, senses of humor, world outlooks, choice of books, clothing styles, or whatever. It could be ANYTHING! Or nothing! When I meet someone I don’t like, I have to remind myself that they very well may not like me either, and there’s very little I can do about it. Sure, I can be polite and attentive, but good manners don’t instantly forge a bond of friendship. All I can do is try my best to get through the encounter with grace and professionalism, and not get upset that we’re not BFFs or that his/her voice grates on my last nerve. It’ll be over soon and I can go home to the one who truly understands me and never annoys me — my dog.

5 reasons to bring your own bags to the grocery store

1. You won’t have to add to the giant wad of plastic bags you already have.

2. Love your planet! You won’t be adding waste to the landfill, or pouring more money into the oil industry — it take petroleum to manufacture plastic and to power the trucks that deliver the bags!

3. You just look like a really cool, eco-friendly granola girl/guy, which is very attractive to people you want to find you attractive. Green is the new black.

4. Bring a non-wafer-thin-plastic bag and you’re less likely to have rips and tears that allow your groceries to escape and run rampant around your car at every turn.

5. Some of those reusable bags you buy at the store, or canvas bags, have long handles. If you shop at Harris Teeter, you can sling those handles over your shoulder, leaving you two hands free to enjoy the complimentary sugar cookies. Mmm, sugar cookies….

Breakfast on-the-go, No.2

This is (obviously) number 2 in my series of posts on breakfast, the most important meal of the day. A good breakfast with a balance of carbs and protein can keep you going all day, even if you have to skip lunch, which often happens in today’s fast-paced, profits-driven world. The following breakfast can be made in under 10 minutes, and is portable, so you can eat it during your commute or at work. Like all of my recipes, it doesn’t have a name until I start typing and realize it needs one, so… let’s call it “Crack-of-Dawn Taco.”

What you’ll need:

• One link of sausage: your choice- chicken, pork, vegetarian, etc.
• One egg
• A little bit of veggie: either a few broccoli florets, a couple slices of bell pepper, a bit of diced onion, whatever.
• One small (smallest you can find) tortilla or flat bread. Most recently I used Flatout’s mini flatbreads.
• Your choice of seasonings.
• A bit of olive oil

How you do it:

Heat about a tablespoon of oil in a non-stick skillet over medium heat. Once it’s hot, put the sausage link in. Roll it around some so it doesn’t burn on one side. (If your sausage is raw, it will need to cook longer. If its pre-cooked like vegetarian and most chicken sausage, it mainly just needs to get hot.)

Add the veggie to the pan, making sure to move it around occasionally so it doesn’t burn.

Crack the egg into the pan. If your burner isn’t crooked like mine, tilt the pan just a little so the egg stays on one side, away from the sausage. Let it mix with the veggie if you want, or not. Using your wooden spoon, break the yolk and scramble the egg in the pan, but let it stay all together, in one chunk. Sprinkle salt & pepper or other spices on egg. When cooked well on one side, flip the egg-mass so the other side gets done.

Once everything is heated through and cooked, start putting it in the tortilla. (I usually spread a little mustard in the tortilla first.) Hold the tortilla in your hand, slightly folded in half, making a taco-like shape. Typically, I put the veggies in the bottom, the egg-mass next, then the sausage on top. Then I’ll plop it back in the skillet, with the spoon resting on top to hold it in shape, for a minute or two on each side. This heats the tortilla through and ensures that the contents stay piping hot. If you turn the heat down to med-low, you can leave it in the pan while you find your keys and shoes. Then wrap it in aluminum foil and head out the door!

Variations: 1. chop the sausage and scramble it all together, into one large egg-sausage-veggie mass, then wrap. 2. add cheese. mmm, cheese. 3. turn it into a sandwich, or put it all into a leftover hot dog bun! Morning hot dog, yay!

Using, without being, a technological tool.

Without a doubt, technological fluency can boost your credentials and desirablility in the job market. Employers are increasingly looking for people with computer skills, whether they be word processing, programing, spreadsheet/database creation, graphic design, or the myriad of other technological subdivisions in which one can specialize.

However, in the absence of a little attention and plain ol’ common sense, your use of technology can quickly turn around and bite you in the ass.

For example, say you’re in the market for a job, and you’ve just sent out resumes to several enticing prospects. Unfortunately, the day you left your phone at home was the day several potential employers chose to call you, requesting an interview. Luckily, they left messages. Unluckily, rather than hearing a tasteful greeting on your voicemail, their first impression of you was one of the following:

• “WAZZZUUUUUUUUP!” followed by ten seconds of silence before the beep.
• Your roommate accompanying you on guitar while you sing your rendition of “Hey hey, we’re the Monkees” with the new lyrics of “We’re spanking our monkeys.”
• A belch.
• A ring-back tone, most likely a rapper asking where his bitches be.

Looks like you might have to keep donating plasma to make rent.

Ok, a few weeks later you’ve grown-up-ized your voicemail greeting and sent out a fresh batch of resumes. Somewhere, a hiring manager is looking it over, and thinking to him/herself, “This looks like a promising candidate. I’ll send off an email to see if they can come interview next week.” Their eyes travel up the page to the letterhead, seeking your email address, and they see….. jagerbomb69@email.com.

Email addresses are free, in case you were wondering. There is no excuse to give out a vulgar, immature, or otherwise inappropriate email address to potential employers or collegues. You can keep your funny email address to use with friends, but swing by Gmail and pick out something more mature or professional to use on job applications. Your name, or first initial and last name, or last name plus a number, or something similar makes a professional and easy-to-remember email address. With many email providers, you can even get the mail from all your addresses delivered to one inbox, so you don’t forget to check one of them.

Little details like these can be the difference between looking like a candidate for supervisor, and looking like you need adult supervision.

Food to Impress – Steak

Last night, I made the best steak my girlfriend has ever had. She raved about it. Said it was delicious. Being a vegetarian, though, I’ll have to take her word for it.

Occasionally as an adult, we need to make a good impression on someone. This could be a date, a boss, future in-laws, etc. Preparing a really good meal is a great way to impress someone. If you can do it without getting hot, cranky, and frustrated, it can be much more effective than a dinner in a fancy restaurant, because skill and effort generally outweigh expense. If you and/or your guest(s) are meat-eaters, a good steak is an easy way to make a meal special. It is quick, painless (at least for you, not the cow), and you don’t even need a grill. So here’s my method for a moist, tasty steak.

Bessie is not amused.

Steak

Heat a non-stick skillet over medium-high. Sprinkle salt and freshly ground black pepper on each side of steak(s), patting it down so it sticks. Put in hot pan, and cook 1 minute on each side, until brown.

Turn heat down to low or medium-low, and pour in about 2 tablespoons of soy sauce per steak, and 2 tablespoons of beer per steak. (These measurements are approximate — a little more or less won’t hurt.) Don’t use cheap crap beer, use something with a flavor, whatever you’re drinking with dinner. I used Highland Brewing Company’s St. Therese’s Pale Ale, which is fairly hoppy, so it adds a lot of flavor.

Cover with a lid or a plate, and cook for about 4 minutes on each side. A little more for really really thick steaks or people who like it well-done, a little less for thin steaks or those who like them a bit more rare. When you flip the steak, spoon some of the liquid over it. Once it has cooked, covered, on each side, put it on a plate, and drizzle a little of the sauce over it.

Enjoy!

Emotional Outbursts: There’s a Time and a Place….

Part of being a grown-up is learning to deal with adult emotions. As we age, our emotions become more complex, as do the situations surrounding and leading to those emotions. To be a healthy person, we have to learn to deal with these emotions as they come, to move through them, rather than bottling them up and freaking out later. There are numerous ways to learn to handle feelings in a mature fashion, many of which will be talked about on this blog. This post won’t really deal with any of them, though.

This post, rather, is more of a opinion piece. My opinion, based on events that I have witnessed in real life.

I think that another part of being a grown-up is exercising good judgment, having appropriate manners, and knowing the time and place for certain actions. Sometimes you need to repress an emotion or two, just until you’re somewhere where you can deal with it. For example, your chiropractor’s office is not the appropriate place to storm in, throw your stuff across the room, and burst out crying – and I don’t mean a solitary tear leaking out, I mean bawling like a toddler. Nor is it really appropriate to unburden yourself on the receptionist (even if he/she seems so understanding), describing your problems in detail, such as your marital difficulties or that pesky bowel issue.

No, dear reader, these are some feelings that should be reserved for the inside of your home or the sympathetic shoulder of your BFF. Except the bowel issue. That should be discussed with your doctor. (Doctor, not doctor’s office manager. There is a difference.)

Maybe I’m being mean… nah, I don’t think so. I think that if you’re old enough to drive a car, vote, and buy a beer, then you’re old enough to exercise a little discretion when it comes to opening the emotional floodgates. Yes, emotions are good, and no, you shouldn’t usually repress them. But there’s a difference between being emotionally healthy and making everyone around you feel uncomfortable.

So when you’re about to open up to someone, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Is this person being paid to listen to my problems (ie. therapist, psycholgist, hairdresser)?

2. [If the first answer is "no'] Did this person ask me to tell them about my trials and tribulations, emotional upheaval, relationship difficulties, intestinal disturbances, overbearing mother, etc?

3. [If "no" to 1 and 2] Is this person my spouse/partner, mother, dear sibling, or openly acknowledged best friend?

If the answer to any one of these questions is “yes,” then by all means, kick of your shoes and let it rip! But if you answered no to all three, then I would advise keeping your angst to yourself, at least until you’re with someone who does fall into one of the above categories.

Life of the Party

As a grown-up, you’ll probably be in uncomfortable situations from time to time. One of these will almost surely be a party where you don’t know anyone. It may be a work function where you’re expected to (gag) network. You could have been invited by a friend trying to get you to meet new people (ie. get laid). Whatever the circumstances, you’ll need a plan to which you can desperately cling as you navigate the social waters.

Below you’ll find what I like to call a “Party Pack,” a list of three things to prepare before a social function in unfamiliar territory. This is just what works for me. Leave your own suggestions too!

Party Pack:

1. Personal Blurb. I know it can be hard, but find something interesting to say about yourself. Have it ready ahead of time. Do you mountain bike, speak German, collect coins, or brew your own beer? Have you traveled somewhere interesting? Have you ever met a celebrity? Are you reading something really interesting? Try to have a little something extra to tell people about yourself in addition to your name and what you do for a living.

2. Interview Question. Prepare a question – or several questions – you can ask when you meet a new person, again, something other than name and place of employment. This way you won’t stare awkwardly across the room and yammer on about the weather. A good way to get people to talk about their interests is to ask about their favorite places. “So where are some good restaurants/clubs/music venues/etc around here?” They’ll be able to name off a few places they like, why they like them, what you should try, and all this talking can actually lead to real conversation!

3. Laughs. To help break the tension, you can whip out a joke. If you can make someone laugh, the rest of the conversation will go much more smoothly. Unless you know your audience really well, though, keep away from anything too off-color or possibly offensive. You can tell a funny or amazing story that happened to you, or you heard at work or on the radio. Tell a riddle that stumps everyone. You could even share a knock-knock joke, but make sure it’s actually funny and not just lame. Try to stick with one that has worked for you in the past. If you don’t have a “signature” joke, there are plenty to be had online. Search for jokes, riddles, daily humor, or similar.

Have tips for talking to new people, or a joke that you really like? Share it in the comments!